It’s the moment every parent dreads. You’re finally getting down to some ‘special adult time’ after a lengthy drought and it’s all heating up nicely. Then, out of nowhere, your sleepy child wanders straight into a situation you never wanted them to see.
For one couple, the experience was so traumatic there was just one way of dealing with it – by sharing it with the internet.
And we’re really glad they did, because this couple’s hilarious reaction to their toddler walking in on them having sex is well-worth the cringe-factor.
In a Facebook post, Emma Lou Harris, a blogger and mum-of-two from Ireland, recalls in vivid detail the moment her 3-year-old daughter caught her and her partner, Joe, with their trousers down.
“There’s an inevitable moment in every parents [sic] life when your children catch a glimpse of something you’d much rather they didn’t,” she wrote. “Something that the retinas of any grown adult human would need a full lifetime and then some to erase from their traumatised memory boxes but your own child?
“Fortnightly shrink sessions for life and replacement eyes are a must. And I would give serious consideration to hypnosis.”
Emma and her partner had been getting along very well before the incident. She’d had a couple of beers and Joe had emptied the dishwasher without being asked.
“I knew right then and there it was game on,” she wrote. “Pants. Off!”
“We shipped the kids to bed as quick as lightening and the very moment they slipped into a slumber, mission slipping into other things commences for us as we hopped on straight down to sexy town,” Emma wrote.
Just as things were really hotting up – “about half way through where you actually consider going professional” – a tiny voice popped up from the other side of the room.
“HOLY SH*TBALLS!!!!” Emma continued. “My panic sweat glands jump into emergency mode busting open like a military operation and my vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I’ve even had a chance to turn my head.”
“I look up to see a moving smudge of colour in a ‘my little pony’ night gown rubbing its eyes and whinging. I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it’s legally blind.”
“In that same split second I hear a small girl scream. It’s Joe, it was the noise accompanied by him leaping off me higher than a kangaroo hurdler while very nearly giving himself a home circumcision from the ceiling fan in the process.”
While Joe was “huddled in the corner of the room under a white duvet, rocking back and forth,” Emma jumped into damage limitation mode.
“My poor poor misfortunate child,” she added, realising that they had no idea how long their daughter had been standing there or whether she’d even seen anything.
“She’s rubbing her eyes and momentarily I consider the fact that she may actually be trying to scratch them out,” Emma wrote.
Taking little Frankie back to bed, Emma helps her find her missing dummy. And that was the end of the action for that night – and many nights after. She and Joe lay awake until dawn, staring at the ceiling, not speaking a word to each other.
While this incident happened over two months ago, Emma is worried its memory might one day rear its ugly head.
“All I know is, if in the future, My poor poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin tapers where playing an aggressive game of twister, well, I guess I’ll have my answer.”
Since sharing her account on Facebook, Emma’s post has attracted over 2,000 likes and hundreds comments. It’s a true testament to how terribly familiar this situation is to parents everywhere.
You can read Emma’s full post over on Facebook.